A New Approach to Astrology
WARNING: whereas all Astrotheme's articles are "serious", the following articles, more or less horrifying or humorous, claim to be non-realistic, even though it is likely that readers will find a few annoying traits associated with their sign or Ascendant, of course, caricatured and purposely exaggerated. It is obvious that our aim is not to underline assets or qualities, by no means. We trust that you understand and enjoy our sense of humour!
We want to remind you that no one matches the "pure" description of a sign. For instance, to be Aries only means to have the Sun in the sign of Aries. As we all know, the Sun - the major element of a natal chart, along with the Ascendant - represents a fourth or a third of the personality, seldom more, depending on the general configuration of the natal chart. The Ascendant - the appearance - is not more important than the Sun, even though it is what is more visible for people who don't know you very well. Therefore, we recommend that you put our caricatures into perspective.
And also... Do not pass them on to your close friends because we don't want to be responsible for any ensuing dissension! We would like to apologize in advance for any offence you might take from our caustic descriptions.
Should you want to know which signs are highlighted in your natal chart, and which planets are dominant, for instance if you are a Solarian, noble and proud, or a Lunarian, sensitive and imaginative, a Mercurian, intellectual and thirsting for communication, a Venusian, charming and constantly seeking seduction, a Martian, active, keen on competition and combative, a Jupiterian, philosophic, a traveller and a leader to the core, a Saturnian, focused, serious, deep and introverted, a Uranian, a freedom-lover, adamant about independence and originality, unable to submit to constraints, a Neptunian, mystical, hyper-sensitive and absorbing collective trends and atmospheres as if he were a sponge, or a Plutonian, domineering and secret, instinctively willing to exert his potency on his interlocutor. You may also be interested in knowing which element is prevailing in your natal chart, whether it is Water, Fire, Earth, or Air. You will find all that, and much more, when you order the famous Comprehensive Astrological Portrait, which you will receive immediately in your email. It also provides you with the interpretation of your dominants and your planetary repartitions, in addition to your psychological analysis and your karmic report.
Now, we suggest that you read the following articles only if you are in an extremely good mood...
You are nothing but a primate. You charge headlong like a brute and you don't have a clue what subtlety could mean. Moreover, you are a public danger because you are aggressive and totally unconscious, not to mention your excessive naivety, and your simplistic and rough vision of things. The virtues of persistence seem to be totally unknown to you, which would boil down to a blunt: " The hell with the consequences! ". In short, people only see in you some sort of rabid and quite simple-minded beast. To speak the truth, there is not much to add, for your nature is devoid of any interesting complexity.
Your heaviness is matched only by your legendary slowness. Let's not forget that you are as stubborn as a mule. However, isn't it said that "only idiots don't change their minds"? You are a fat materialist and you can't see further than the end of your nose. You are greedy for profit, hence your possessive and even stingy side. "Let's live to eat and let's not eat to live" could well be your motto. Intellectual and abstract matters are well beyond you, since you are coarsely down to earth and simple. Lastly, you have no interest other than food and comfort, just like an animal that pigs out, and that is unable to think of anything else.
It is said that you are curious about everything and highly adaptable. Actually, it is a lack of profundity and consistency that characterizes you. You are absolutely unable to focus on anything, and your intellectual process is very superficial. Everything you say is totally uninteresting. It's just hot air in any case. You don't believe a single word you utter, and you forget everything you say a few minutes later. You hop from one subject to another to carry out a conversation in order to appear knowledgeable and interesting. However, it is quite clear that, under your scholarly veneer, you are a mediocre and shallow person. You have no emotions and no compassion. You resemble an intelligent robot, which repeats what it has been taught, or what it has experienced, without thinking by itself.
The big beloved Mummy's baby! This is something you have probably heard very often when people would refer to you. Your hyper-sensitivity is very irritating because people can never tell you what they really think of you without having you sobbing your heart out. Indeed, you have no control over your emotions, and your entourage, as well as yourself, find it very difficult to put up with your moods. Your mental age is eight years and you still live in a stage of childhood. Actually, you live more in your head than in the real life. You cannot confront the world and you vegetate in your snug and warm little universe. Your memory is far too good, and you are unable to get rid of your depressing nostalgia. In brief, you are a faint-hearted, passive, psychotic and selfish little thing.
Watch out! Expect no praise, you who are so self-centered and so full of yourself! Being a Leo is far from flattering, contrary to what you might think. Besides, you are convinced that you are an exceptional person, whilst you are appallingly ridiculous because it is clear to everyone that you try hard to appear a much better person than what you really are. Actually, you have a huge inferiority complex. You live only through other people because, deep down, you know that you are not worth much. You throw compliments at yourself, and then you don't understand why others remain sceptical in your face. Of course, you also behave like a little tyrant vis-à-vis your court of hypocrites without realizing that their flatteries totally lack sincerity. Clear-sightedness is not among your qualities, should you have any. You behave like a spoiled brat, despotic, self-absorbed, and bossy.
You have so many flaws that it is very easy to enumerate them. For instance, you are well known for your inferiority complex (which is not only a complex, but tangible truth, as you know; besides, you must be given credit for your lucidity). Your entire life is limited to being a servant, a right-hand person, in brief, a doormat with no sense of self-value. Let's add that you are uptight and that you control yourself to death because you loathe anything that might upset your petty dull life. Your obsession with tidiness and details is bordering on mania, and even on neurosis, which is quite frightening to witness. Your room must always be in perfect order, to the extent that one becomes uncomfortable and anxious. These two last traits are also parts of your character, which you are perfectly aware of. Is it really necessary to carry on? Better not, lest you end up as some sort of unchecked psychopath (the mad Virgin, you know!), which is something you wouldn't want, not at any price, would you? Finally, you always go from one extreme to another, and that's the last straw!
Since it is the symbol of Libra, the very word "Balance" makes you feel sorry to be born under this sign. Having an ordinary object to represent your sign must not feel too flattering, indeed. In addition, you don't know how to assert yourself. Because solitude is your phobia, you line up with people who are the strongest ones since you are convinced that they will not let you down. You don't really have a private life. You live for others and according to what they think of you. You strive to please, which implies that you are hypocritical and hesitant about everything you say... You probably constantly feel that you are on the razor's edge: not a single word missing, or in excess, not a single mistake. Otherwise war will break out, and this... No need to add more! Your self-proclaimed artistic bent is nothing but vapidity and mawkishness. In truth, you are too intellectual and cold. A calculator with a charming smile is the description that fits you best.
There is little that could be added to your bad reputation. However, we believe it interesting to twist the knife still deeper. You are a sly, inquisitive and aggressive person. Strangely enough, you remind of scorpions (no pun intended!), but also of sewer rats, perverse, petty and frightening. You revel in other people's sufferings, so please don't purport that it is because you want to help them transcend their ordeals and know themselves better, because we know very well that your evil and cunning nature enjoys attracting attention and stirring up ill-feeling. You are believed to have an intense sexual energy. However, it has more to do with a regrettable tendency to release your impulses, since you are unable to control them. You also cultivate a high opinion of yourself, and to make yourself interesting, you play the mysterious and rebellious personage. Nevertheless, it is obvious that you feel unloved, which drives you almost paranoid. You see evil everywhere, and to protect yourself against it, like a spider setting its cobwebs, you keep on manipulating everyone in your entourage (you should admit that it is awfully difficult for you afterwards to get out of the mess you have created).
Don't think that your good reputation will prevent us from making a complete list of your numerous flaws! Firstly, you claim to be a philosopher endowed with open-mindedness. Actually, it is only a way to escape everyday realities that you find boring. It is more accurate to say that you have no inner life. Your interest in culture and spirituality is nothing but an interest, as we have mentioned already! Indeed, you have no reflection of your own. You stupidly repeat what you have read or heard, and you proudly think that you can appear to be a wise person who has an immense knowledge of the world. In addition, you never go very deep, and while you boastfully display your knowledge, you show no critical or analytical mind. You are a real drought and you are restless, which translates into irritating fickleness, lack of stability, and no sense of commitment or loyalty... Lastly, you are unable to fulfil your promises. You exaggerate everything in order to impress your entourage (yes, you are proud, definitely), and you don't have a clue what the word "tact" means. Many among you are just big petty-bourgeois...
We feel like summing your character as follows: you are a little snitch! Indeed, you do everything you can in order to go unnoticed, and your lack of self-confidence is just sickening. You are baleful, as pleasant as a warder, as dumb as a tomb, as cold as a corpse and as rigid as a skeleton. As if you wanted to make up for your flaws, you try to use humour, or rather some kind of pathetic and deadpan self-mockery, but you don't convince anybody, not even yourself. Besides, is there anything in which you believe? Your career? Well, yes. You are a social climber, an ambitious person, in brief, a shark. Your burning desire to succeed and to crush your victims in your way indicates that you are very patient and calculating. Since you plan for the longer-term, you forget to live in the present. You are entirely focused on yourself and on your work (so, you are selfish in addition), and you don't know what it is like to have fun. Indeed, you are never caught clowning around because it would be incongruous from your part. In short, you are boring to death, and on top of that, pessimistic... No, don't despair because, as incredible as it may seem, there may be some people who love you!
You try to look like an eccentric and rebellious person, some sort of prophet who would offer "the" truth. Actually, you so completely lack profundity that you do everything you can in order to compensate this flaw. You are deeply aware of the fact that you are only one sheep among many others, but you just can't accept this idea! Therefore, you desperately strive to stand out of the crowd, and you display your nonconformism, but sometimes the situation gets out of control, and you become a misfit, totally maladjusted to your environment. So, don't complain that no one wants to be your friend! To you, friendship is a sacred value, but have you got an idea of what it actually is? You are so deeply detached and impersonal (and yes, your apparent eccentricity compensates this) because you are too cerebral and you steer clear of intimate relationships and personal secrets. It is even worse when it comes to love relationships! Your chronic independence would hurt a great many partners... You claim to be generous and altruistic, but don't you think that these values don't belong to theories and should spring from the heart? Stop believing that you are an inventive genius in the vanguard because otherwise, one of these days, you will end up in a psychiatric hospital...
Fog, doldrums, chaos… these are the words which describe you best. Clarity, sharpness and common sense are not your assets… You are like a jellyfish in the sea, and you let the tide carry you without your knowing where to, how, and why. Besides, you couldn't care less, could you? Indifference is also one of your characteristics. You don't know exactly what you think, or who you are. Under such circumstances, it is obvious that it is difficult for you to remain true to yourself, which translates into instability, unfaithfulness (you are never certain that you really love a person) and opportunism. You revel in psychodramas and you master the art of shady mix-up, as well as delirious mythomania. Your sentimentality makes life complicated for you. It is like a roller coaster ride, now going into a mystical trance, now falling into the most severe depression. Your apparent softness and generosity conceal your lack of firmness as well as the fact that you've got no backbone. You don't know how to say no, and because you are a sucker, you get lumbered with all the underdogs, with whom no one wants to deal. Needless to say that you lack willpower and that you are anything but the sporty type!
Please do not pass these caricatures on to your close friends because we don't want to be responsible for any ensuing dissension! We would like to apologize in advance for any offence you might take from our caustic descriptions.
| Sun | 20°46' | Sagittarius | |
| Moon | 9°32' | Taurus | |
| Mercury | 7°31' | Я | Sagittarius |
| Venus | 5°49' | Aquarius | |
| Mars | 5°59' | Я | Leo |
| Jupiter | 15°39' | Я | Gemini |
| Saturn | 13°19' | Pisces | |
| Uranus | 24°14' | Я | Taurus |
| Neptune | 27°08' | Pisces | |
| Pluto | 0°30' | Aquarius | |
| Chiron | 19°09' | Я | Aries |
| True Node | 3°26' | Я | Aries |
| True Lilith | 13°17' | Я | Scorpio |
| Personality | Views |
|---|---|
| Frank Sinatra | 196,782 |
| Jennifer Connelly | 132,800 |
| Rajinikanth | 97,209 |
| Gustave Flaubert | 50,519 |
| Edvard Munch | 45,079 |
| Mädchen Amick | 37,132 |
| Dionne Warwick | 35,738 |
| Seungri | 33,727 |
| Tal (singer) | 33,404 |
| Mayim Bialik | 31,934 |
| Personality | Views |
|---|---|
| Taylor Swift | 1,729,274 |
| Amy Lee | 140,328 |
| Jamie Foxx | 104,544 |
| NeNe Leakes | 56,378 |
| Tom DeLonge | 55,396 |
| Steve Buscemi | 52,771 |
| Christopher Plummer | 43,412 |
| Dick Van Dyke | 40,094 |
| Rama Yade | 39,371 |
| Tom Verlaine | 34,285 |
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